(collaboration with the amazing, talented Katrina Blanco, follow her at twitter.com/xitscomplicated)
It is the feeling that I’ve lost so many chances of which I was not quite given that hurts me the most. It rests on my chest and if only time were on my side, I would have watched you fall in love with me than with somebody else. You’ve given me quite a lot of pain, instead of patience. You promised not to hurt, but maybe when you were speaking, you had your volume on mute and your mind, closed. I never meant to fall this hard. I wanted to be someone still capable of standing strong even without a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold on to. I thought maybe you could prove me wrong- that being strong wasn’t all that important, because I had you.
But I didn’t have you – I never really had you. I had your hand, and your eyes, and your smile, but I never had you. I had your body but your soul was elsewhere. I had your chest to lay on but your heart never beat for me. You showed me that I’m not someone capable of standing strong without a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold on to. You became my lifeline, and I was so blinded by how much I could breathe with you that I didn’t realize how contaminated the air you exhaled was.
I accepted it. Breathing bad air was better than not breathing at all – but little by little you have damaged my lungs and they have started to close in on my heart and now instead of being able to breathe, I feel suffocated and choked. I am drowning in the love you have refused to return to me.
If you cut my body in half, you’ll only find pieces of your heart floating through my blood stream and the comfort I used to find in your words written on my ribcages and somehow, although you’re dead to me, I still feel your fingers latched on to my spine. You’ve damaged and disposed the little forever I had planned out for us and there is not a drop of remorse in your pockets. I cough out the ashes you made of me and try to let in every bit of sunlight there is, to shut the cracks of my broken lungs and maybe, when I start breathing again, I’ll remind myself that not every boy acts like you.
Not every boy acts like you, and there will never be another you in my life. The good outweighed the bad for quite a while but I have reached my breaking point – I am done sacrificing who I am to get your attention. I love you. I am so in love with you, but just because I am incapable of being strong doesn’t mean I am not a good swimmer. The oceans of you have gotten me gasping for air, and for awhile there drowning actually felt good – but the current is growing stronger and I am becoming more determined to swim through your worst waves. I refuse to sink. I refuse to sink in a body of water as shallow as your soul.
It is the feeling of losing chances and realizing they were never there to begin. The oceans seem calming, when standing with your feet anchored to the shore, but what is underneath the waves tell a whole different story. Our love was based on fabrications and false hopes, I let my dreams take place of what reality held. You still rest on my chest, I have to admit; but it kills me so much that if only fate, not time, were on our side, I would have watched you fall in love with me than with somebody else. I miss you so much (but you don’t need to know that).
You don’t need to know that I will continue to miss you for a long time, because if I told you, your oceans would swallow me whole again. I am okay. My chest is still heaving and sometimes I am still gasping for air but I am okay, and I do not see you anywhere near me to hold me steady. I was wrong about you all along, you weren’t meant to put my pieces back together. You were meant to break me even better; and I was wrong about myself. I am capable of being strong without a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. You dragged me down for far too long and I finally stood up for myself, and I am not the slightest bit sorry. So here is my goodbye, my one last “I love you”. I love you. I loved you, but I love myself too, and I have decided now that being able to breathe and being able to live and being able to be happy is so much better than being with you.